What is important to remember about my dad is the taste of grilled crustless bologna sandwiches. He cooked few things, but he was a whiz with an aluminum pie and sandwich cooker.
It is important to remember playing cards with him—Pitch was our favorite. He coined the term "card off!" If he accidentally threw the wrong card from his hand, a timely "card off!" would allow him to correct his mistake. I still say card off when I need a do-over. I say it now, for the last year of our lives. Card off.
It was important to know my father. He was a connector; he knew everybody. I first learned of this when I was eight, and he almost got our family on the set of The Courtship of Eddie's Father. And then again when, at eleven, he almost got me a lunch date with David Cassidy because he knew the teen idol's manager. He knew a record promoter and brought me home a stack of New Wave albums—The Cars, Blondie, Patti Smith, and Elvis Costello—before there was even a new wave. I remember he thought Elvis would have less-than-zero longevity, like Elton John.
It was important to know my father. He was a connector; he knew everybody. I first learned of this when I was eight, and he almost got our family on the set of The Courtship of Eddie's Father. And then again when, at eleven, he almost got me a lunch date with David Cassidy because he knew the teen idol's manager. He knew a record promoter and brought me home a stack of New Wave albums—The Cars, Blondie, Patti Smith, and Elvis Costello—before there was even a new wave. I remember he thought Elvis would have less-than-zero longevity, like Elton John.
Here's generosity for you: a family cruise to Bermuda, everything paid, including kids' face painting and off-ship meals and a few souvenirs. |
When Beth and I were kids, Dad's sales jobs often took him on the road, but even when he wasn't away, he worked all the time. To make up for it, he gave us lots of stuff—TVs and telephones and stereos in our bedrooms, crazy bowling-ball shaped radios, radios you wore on your wrist, fancy souvenirs from his travels, and even a new car when I got my license. I thought we were rich.
Even in the hospital, my dad would work, though each successive hospital visit would make that less possible. |
My dad was, at times, too generous, insisting, when I was pregnant, on replacing my paid-off Honda Civic with a Nissan Pathfinder, so his grandchild could travel in the manner befitting a grandchild of his. I said no a lot, but the arguments would wear me down.
In fact, I spent a therapy session learning to cope with my father's generosity. How come I couldn't figure out on my own what my therapist said in an instant: This is how your dad gives love. And every time you say no, you reject it. So shut up, and get some new clothes." From then on, I touched fabric more discriminately—and only that of sensible things or stuff I really needed.
Panic: How is it that the most recent photo I have of myself with my father was taken 18 years ago at my wedding? |
The people he loved became members of his family, and they included the people we loved: my sister's, my mother's, and my best friends, who came on vacation with us, out to dinner for our birthdays and sometimes even for theirs. They included my husband long before he was my husband, when he was just the naked boyfriend passing him in the hallway after midnight on the way to the bathroom. He adopted Steve, one of his employees. He adopted André, the guy who delivered his home oxygen and detailed his car. He and his business partner, Tom, adopted each other.
It was so easy to love my dad because he loved so easily. And the best benefit of losing someone like that is that you never have to wonder if you loved enough or well. You did.
10 caws:
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's never easy to say goodbye, and as prepared as we try to be, we never are prepared. Your father sounds like a wonderful person.
sitting here.
tears soaking my shirt.
how lucky you have been to be so loved and adored.
and how lucky, your dad, to have had the same.
xo
My sincerest condolences to you and your entire family, Leslie. I'm sure your father would be very proud of your beautiful tribute. Hell. I knew nothing about the man and now I love him too! Best, Steven Donaghey, Brooklyn.
Those are beautiful memories. Thanks for sharing them with us.
What a beautiful, heartfelt tribute (of course). What a wonderful man and father. So much love to you, Leslie. xx
This is the most beautiful eulogy I have ever read. These insights into your dad's approach to love (given and received) make it even less surprising that you're the magnificent human being that you are. xoxo
I'm sure you know that this song was written for Gwyneth Paltrow when she lost her father.
I wish I had the presence of mind to say something at my father's funeral. He had been so sick, that, at the time, my main feeling was relief.
Your eulogy was right on. It let us know your father.
It is an unspeakable loss to lose one's Dad. But you have given beautiful voice here to what you, and the world, have lost.
as always I do repeat myself, thank you for being so generous in sharing your dad, with us. your eulogy was wonderful, and the song just nailed the emotion.
A beautifully expressed eulogy. So sorry for your loss, Leslie.
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